Work at “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” for a Day
You’re hired! Join the staff of the Daytime Emmy-winning talk show for an insider’s look at how the program comes together. Avoid eye contact with Ellen DeGeneres herself while sitting in on the all-staff morning meeting! Spend your afternoon picking carrots and slightly wilted greens out of the executive producer’s lunch, so that he doesn’t go fully ballistic on you! Once the taping begins, spend quality time with your new co-workers in the second-floor restroom, as you finally let out the tears you’ve been holding back all day. Your donations will go toward the Livable Wages for Ellen Crew Members GoFundMe.
Fly to Cancun on a Surprise Vacation with Ted Cruz
Keep your weekend bag at the ready! The winner will receive a last-minute text announcing that it’s time to drop everything and meet Ted Cruz at the airport for a surprise, three-day, two-night trip south of the border. Spend your afternoons luxuriating in the Cancun Ritz-Carlton’s unlimited air-conditioning, electricity, and running water. Ted will rely on the winner not only to rub sunscreen on his oily back but also to serve as his personal scapegoat when he inevitably gets called out for his dereliction of duty as an elected official.
Join Papa John for a Pizza Party
John “Papa John” Schnatter will host you and three friends at his Louisville mansion for a pizza party that you’ll never forget—no matter how hard you try. All proceeds will benefit John Schnatter’s legal team and future rehabilitation treatments.
Terms and conditions:
- Toppings chosen at Papa John’s sole discretion.
- Papa John reserves the right to eat your pizza if still hungry after finishing his own.
- Availability contingent on Papa John’s not forgetting he agreed to this while blackout drunk.
- We are absolved of all legal liability for any physical, emotional, and spiritual damages incurred while in the Papa’s proximity.
Spend a Day with Joaquin Phoenix While He’s Getting Into Character
Do you ever watch a Joaquin Phoenix movie and say to yourself, “Wow! How does he act so completely unhinged?” Wonder no more! Spend an unpredictable day with the Academy Award-winning actor as he prepares for his latest role, as a mentally unstable, emotionally volatile outsider. Witness Phoenix’s legendary method-acting process as he destroys public restrooms, provokes strangers, and, if you’re lucky, threatens you with various pieces of hardware.
Dog-Sit for President Joe Biden
Sit. Stay. Now come here! Otherwise, you’ll miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take care of the President’s German Shepherds, Champ and Major. Although there was a staff-biting incident shortly after they arrived at the White House, they’ll be quick to make themselves comfortable in your home. Still, we’ll throw in two Secret Service-approved attack-dog-training suits for you to wear, on the off chance that you say the top-secret attack command. A can’t-miss chance to clean up literal shit for your country.
Win a Private E-Meter Reading with Tom Cruise
Go clear with Cruise! Let the “Mission: Impossible” superstar personally audit your journey through current and past lives before assigning you your very own Operating Thetan level. Afterward, join Tom for a one-on-one life-coaching session, in which he’ll outline a custom plan to remove Suppressive Persons from your life (as well as severe repercussions for failing to meet these goals). Accommodations will be provided aboard the S.S. Freewinds for an unforgettable voyage hosted by Shelly Miscavige and Sea Org, which will last an indeterminate period of weeks, months, or years.
Original posted at www.newyorker.com