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 June 16

by Carolina

If there’s one thing that we’ve learned in the years we’ve been writing this feature, it’s that the world of entertainment will always find a way to surprise us.

Our primary focus here has always been the trials and tribulations of the rich and famous. We’ve had a lot of fun at their collective expense over the years, calling them out for their idiocy and generally laughing at their failings and misdeeds. We’ve covered Twitter feuds and rap beefs and various flavors of “Don’t you know who I am?” We’ve embraced our calling as creators of celebratory celebrity portmanteaux when these wealthy and beautiful people find each other. We’ve even allowed ourselves to get sentimental every once in a while.

Here’s the thing though – even with the wide disparity among the subjects of our rancor, one truth has remained more or less constant. These items are always aimed at people, whether on an individual level, in pairs or in small groups. It’s usually one of the first two, but we’ve had our share of the third as well.

But this week, we’re doing something a little different. We’re not slamming a person or even a group of people. We’re going after an actual television program – one that has yet to air, no less.

In short, we need to talk about the upcoming reality competition show “Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide” and how it somehow managed to give something like 40 people – and we quote – “explosive diarrhea.”

Here’s the gist. “Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide” is a reality show in which everyday folks navigate what is billed as a 65-foot-tall slippery yellow slide. One assumes that there will be “comedic” commentary, considering the hosts are Ron Funches and Bobby Moynihan, but let’s be real – the plan was probably to have it all be dumb one-liners and computer-generated fart noises.

Only as it turns out, the fart noises would become very real.

According to the allegations that first surfaced in a report in The Wrap, some 40 crewmembers on the show wound up developing symptoms of the intestinal ailment giardia. One symptom in particular, actually – the aforementioned explosive diarrhea.

(It has been confirmed that waterborne giardia parasites were found on set, to which our response is “Yeah, no s—t.” Wait … should it be “Yeah, MUCH s—t” or is that even a thing? Anyway, the moral to the story is that when a bunch of people come down with an intestinal parasite, odds are that intestinal parasite is going to turn up in the place where the people came down with it. We’re no experts on microbiology, but we’re pretty sure that’s how it works.)

Anyway, word is that the show was almost finished with its eight-episode order before production was shut down, but it still remains to be seen whether they’ll be able to get their s—t together in time for the planned premiere date in early August. Man, you hear that working in Hollywood can be a s—tty job, but this is ridiculous.

Obviously, we send our best wishes to the assorted people who were just trying to do their job on the set of a frankly-kinda-stupid-sounding reality show when they wound up getting their colons blown out, but there’s also a part of us that questions just what everyone thought was going to happen. Like, this is a show that by definition is going to see a lot of standing water. And by design, it is clearly intended to scare the s—t out of participants.

You see where we’re going here, right?

Someone definitely s—t their pants and wound up splashing down into the same pool that dozens of other people had to wade through. Splashing s—t parasites up into the air, with droplets going everywhere … including INTO PEOPLE’S MOUTHS.

(Seriously, we have no idea how anyone anywhere will even be able to watch this show, knowing that with every splash, these clueless people are getting s—t water in their mouths and eyes. For real – we all know the s—tstorm is coming and we can’t save them.)

We don’t even know who to blame here. All we know is that the smart play at this point is to fully lean in and call the damned thing “Ultimate S—t ‘N Slide.”

Original posted at www.themaineedge.com

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